Let me preface this post with I love my children. I really do. However, some days, I feel that I am not fit to be a parent.
Yesterday and today were those kind of days. My oldest son, who is going to be 14 next week, has some special circumstances. I know this. I know that he is going to need more time and care and consideration than most children. He is AD/HD with Asperger’s. We’ve lived with this his whole life. I have yet to really cope with this. Especially in the morning when I am not in my right senses and we wake up with 10 minutes to get to the bus stop. I know in the end, this is my fault. I’m a hot mess in the morning and because of that, my family suffers.
I am not the shining beacon of love and compassion when I wake up. Ever. Nor am I that person even after my morning coffee. I am more like the afternoon sun of warmth and clear skies person. Better yet, the moon has risen and the stars are shining night owl. Yes, yes, that is me.
So when the alarm clock has been going off for almost and hour and my child is still in bed and I have yet to wake up but get everyone up and out the door, let’s just say, it’s not pleasant. I said some things I didn’t mean yesterday. Like “I’m NOT BUYING any video games you want for your birthday! YOU ARE GROUNDED FOREVER from electronics!” I crushed his little heart. I could see it in his face. He is very much looking forward to the XBox 360 edition of Minecraft that I have yet to purchase but now will be scrambling to get to the store this weekend because we are giving him his gifts on Wednesday, his birthday. I can’t take away the disappointment I have already caused. I feel ashamed. 😦
I’ve heard other parents lament over their parenting skills but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m not so sure that I’m going to make it til my toddler gets to be a teenager. I may lose my mind!