Man, oh, man. This tail end of winter has hit me hard. I’ve been sorta unmotivated. I have a major project to undertake this month, yet, I haven’t even started to sort out my yarn or strategy. A lot has been on my mind. Some deeply personal issues that I’m about to share at length.
Last month, I went to the dr. for my yearly physical. I dreaded it. I suspected what my physician was going to say. I have great blood pressure. No complaints really health wise. He’s concerned over the weight I’ve gained since my last child was born and the last time I saw him for anything major. Technically, now I’m morbidly obese…it’s an awful realization. I feel ashamed. Not an uncommon feeling, so I’ve gathered from other individuals going through what I’ve just been through.
I been in a yoga class since January – “weight loss” yoga and started a 30 day challenge. Tracking my weight, food diary, upping my protein and fresh food intake. Then, three weeks in to yoga, I gained three pounds! Ugh. So discouraging. In the meantime, I’m waiting to see the nutritionist my dr. suggested seeing, feeling like there’s something wrong with me. I’ve never really dieted. I’m more like a go to the gym binge person. That never lasts because I don’t feel like there’s any results so I stop. For the last 10 years. And steadily, stealthily, the weight creeps up. 100lbs I’ve put on in 10 years. How did this happen? How did I get here? When did I just let myself go?
And honestly, I didn’t let myself go, I let myself get caught up in life. Demands of being a wife, mother, worker, mentor, crafter…I didn’t out my health or myself first. I deprive myself of sleep, don’t eat regularly, and have a penchant for donuts.
Did you know that just seeing donuts or thinking about them can trigger the desire to have a donut? That is, if donuts are your thing. That thought process has to do with hedonistic hunger…more on that another time. I just learned about it and understanding the psychology of food addiction. And being a recovering person, this affects me greatly.
Anyway, I see the nutritionist and we discuss my diet, activity, health history and my thoughts on a solution as well as any hindrances we may not know about my body. Under suggestion of my primary physician, we talk about medication. I’m not thinking my situation is so drastic to consider surgery and honestly, that scares me so much. I tell her so. It’s the last thing on my list to consider.
We talk about my mental state. I’m bi-polar so this is a big issue for me and I haven’t been medicated for a couple years. When I’m on meds, I feel like some of my spark is missing and don’t feel anything. Like everything is ho-hum. I know that the meds are supposed to level out the highs and lows, I just can’t stand not feeling the intensity of my passions. But with that is the deep lows. My family suffers. I suffer. It’s a ring around the rosie of my thoughts and actions. Something needs to be done.
Meds. I have such a disdain for them. But I’m desperate. We settle on a trial run of Contrave. It’s a combo of naltrexone and bupropion specifically paired for weight loss. The upside is that I’m getting an antidepressant plus help in the weight loss department. The naltrexone is an opioid blocker that has been show to treat compulsive behaviors like drinking, gambling, and over eating. The blocker helps with decreasing the pleasure of these behaviors. And since I’m prone to compulsive behaviors – I am Craftmanicmommy – this was something to consider.
Two months later, after so many months of trying, with everything I’m doing and taking, I’ve lost seven pounds. It’s a milestone for me because I met my weight goal this month. I am pumped. I did get news today of my bloodwork that I’m insulin resistant, prediabetic. I almost expected it. I knew after two pregnancies with gestational diabetes, this was a strong possibility. It’s treatable and that’s what I’m focusing on.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you because I know I’m not the only one fighting this battle of the bulge or depression. I’m looking forward to this journey of transformation. I want to feel fit in mind and body. That’s my goal.
Thanks for “listening.”