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This is an intensely personal post.

Last night the episode of Glee was on giving tribute to Cory Monteith’s death. I completely missed the first couple episode’s of the season, not realizing that the show was on. Honestly, I didn’t think it would come back. I don’t know why; I just think the death was so personal to the cast that they wouldn’t want to broadcast it on TV.

However, I suppose there’s a reason for the saying “the show must go on”…

I didn’t get home til late and watched the last 5 minutes. My gut wrenched like I knew it would. I cried, just like many people were at that very moment as well. However, I wasn’t crying just out of sympathy or empathy. 

I cried because just over ten years ago, I could have been Cory.

It’s hard to imagine my life had I continued down the destructive path of drug and alcohol addiction. No doubt I would have died at my own hand. For years, I struggled with demons in my head not knowing that there was a way out if I just gave myself a break. Being young and impressionable, I found a solution in the party life without a care in the world. And then when the party stopped being fun; the demons raged on.

One day someone said to me that I didn’t have to live that way anymore. That I didn’t have to feel the way I did anymore. And it was hard to believe. I hadn’t known any other way to feel and live for years. I didn’t know how to cope and honestly, each day is still hard for me to cope with, some days being easier than others.

I know that some people just think that drug addicts and alcoholics are a lost cause. Some of us may be. Some of us die. Yet, some of us live as well. If you know someone who is struggling with this affliction, please don’t look down upon them. There is something going on there that you may not understand, just as people who have a mental illness. There is treatment! Someone loved me enough to help me when I was young to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t tell you how very grateful I am to be alive even when I didn’t think then that I wanted to be.

After finishing the episode today, I am saddened because not only is someone gone, but so is a piece of each person he had affected in his life. When things like this happen, I keep it close to my heart to remind myself of what could have been and what could be…

Never will be a morning person

Let me preface this post with I love my children. I really do. However, some days, I feel that I am not fit to be a parent.

Yesterday and today were those kind of days. My oldest son, who is going to be 14 next week, has some special circumstances. I know this. I know that he is going to need more time and care and consideration than most children. He is AD/HD with Asperger’s. We’ve lived with this his whole life. I have yet to really cope with this. Especially in the morning when I am not in my right senses and we wake up with 10 minutes to get to the bus stop. I know in the end, this is my fault. I’m a hot mess in the morning and because of that, my family suffers.

I am not the shining beacon of love and compassion when I wake up. Ever. Nor am I that person even after my morning coffee. I am more like the afternoon sun of warmth and clear skies person. Better yet, the moon has risen and the stars are shining night owl. Yes, yes, that is me.

So when the alarm clock has been going off for almost and hour and my child is still in bed and I have yet to wake up but get everyone up and out the door, let’s just say, it’s not pleasant. I said some things I didn’t mean yesterday. Like “I’m NOT BUYING any video games you want for your birthday! YOU ARE GROUNDED FOREVER from electronics!” I crushed his little heart. I could see it in his face. He is very much looking forward to the XBox 360 edition of Minecraft that I have yet to purchase but now will be scrambling to get to the store this weekend because we are giving him his gifts on Wednesday, his birthday. I can’t take away the disappointment I have already caused. I feel ashamed. 😦

I’ve heard other parents lament over their parenting skills but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m not so sure that I’m going to make it til my toddler gets to be a teenager. I may lose my mind!